Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)

  • Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
  • Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
  • Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
  • Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
  • Dad: Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
  • Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
  • Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
  • Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
  • Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
  • Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
  • Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
  • Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
  • Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
  • Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
  • Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
  • Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
  • Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
  • Dad: Fuck the government.
  • Dad: Fuck the school board.
  • Dad: Close the door.
  • Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
  • Dad: I love puns.
  • Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
  • Dad: Please shut up.
  • Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
  • Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
  • Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
  • Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
  • Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
  • Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
  • Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
  • Dad: They act like I care what they think.
  • Dad: I hate homework.
  • Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
  • Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.

is-doitsu-an-instrument:

is-doitsu-an-instrument:

In France, they say “mdr” instead of “lol” and that roughly translates to “death by laughter” so basically instead of laughing really loudly like we do, the French laugh so hard that they die.

French slang is freaking metal.

DEATH BY OHONHONHON

(via schizophrenicme)

anneboleyns:

anneboleyns:

these stills of joffrey look like someone just said something really offensive

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(via renicles)

(Source: reginaa-phalange, via renicles)

mortenavida:

thenotoriousscuttlecliff:

the-timelord-girl-who-hunts:

wordsofdiana:

The only thing I want in Avengers 2 is Cap picking up Thor’s hammer, totally unaware it should be impossible.

Actually in Marvel lore it is implicitly stated That Steve is one of only a few people on earth actually worthy of carrying Thor’s hammer

To hell with Steve, I want Natasha to pick it up and realise, even with all the red in her ledger, she is still just as worthy as Thor or Steve. 

THIS

(via fandomhopstepjump)

inrowlingwetrust:

theblackship:

ilvalentinos:

robert-pattinson-hates-his-life:

Rob talking about a stalker he had in Spain.

HE COMPLAINED ABOUT HIS LIFE. 

TO A FAN.

FOR TWO STRAIGHT HOURS. 

Bless this man.

the man. the myth. the legend.

Crying.

(via fandomhopstepjump)

ladykatiekay:

allofmylovetess:

thedailylaughs:

daddysplaydoll:

saladofrob:

dawwwwwww he/she thinks they’re people

This is so cute omg

But what if its a cat that used to be human but it was turned into a cat by a curse or spell or something

go to bed

McGonagall after a hard day of dealing with magical youngins

ladykatiekay:

allofmylovetess:

thedailylaughs:

daddysplaydoll:

saladofrob:

dawwwwwww he/she thinks they’re people

This is so cute omg

But what if its a cat that used to be human but it was turned into a cat by a curse or spell or something

go to bed

McGonagall after a hard day of dealing with magical youngins

(Source: tastefullyoffensive, via schizophrenicme)

hellugh:

stoned-levi:

sullivanthere:

I went from this

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to this

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at first I thought it was an alternative way to hard-boil eggs… nope…

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DEAR GOD. PLEASE DON’T SCROLL PAST THIS. IT MAY LOOK LIKE ANOTHER DUMB VIDEO, I THOUGHT SO TOO BUT JESUS PLEASE WATCH THIS. SO FUCKING WEIRD.

REVOLUTION

I want to know who is responsible

(Source: miles-eggworth, via schizophrenicme)

robotmermaidprincess:

My friend Kay was showing me this today, and I want to know- who made this amazing creation? Can I get one too?

I want to be a jellyfish princess. And just like sway outside at night.

That is the prettiest thing ever.

(via schizophrenicme)

whentherestrouble:

weskette:

blackcatula:

spookypedia:

it’s a kid’s show

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i say to myself

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as i watch my screen

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only a kid’s show

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as the tears roll down my face

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just a kid’s show

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YEP.

JUST “KIDS’ SHOWS”.

Nothing horrifying…

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Nothing unnerving…

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Nothing deep….

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Nothing sad….

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Nothing really sad…

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None of these kids’ shows ever fucking ripped out my heart…

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…JUST FUCKING KIDS’ STUFF.

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JUST

A

KIDS

SHOW

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(Source: sansastarkofficial, via schizophrenicme)